The mysterious and low-profiled Helado family is headed by Juan, AKA Senorita Juanito,  Helado and his wife Adele. Their children include Renaissance aka Renee; Duan-rhymes with Juan-aka the Silent, the Passive, the Diplomat; Catherine aka The Great, The Greatest, Herself; Peggatha AKA YAG; and baby Raphael, AKA Sparky. The facts about this family are sketchy at best but we deem this little information reliable, though we know no dates and none of the information can be verified.

Juan Helado was a famous potter and story teller in an obscure village. Of mixed parentage, (a man and a woman) he often walked around in a mammy costume and handbag. He passed on his compassion and sensitivity onto Renee. They would often be found together crying, she because a bird had lost a feather and he because he found the patina of a small piece of wood beyond beautiful.

Adele had such a sharp tongue she had no taste. Juan and Herself had to do the cooking and decorating. She always embarrassed her family, by putting her sleep mask on while boarding a flight, or asking the waiter to hold the tomatoes. She loved few things with a passion, which included her family, the art of Francie Rich, and total strangers she would see on the street who smiled back at her. She dressed like a Gypsy and could hide a ham, live chicken, and 6 Chihuahuas under her dress. She loved Gypsy music. Everyone in the family was more motherly than Adele.

Renaissance was an amateur dentist and orthodontist. She would fashion her own tools from things she found in the streets. The only one who would let her near her teeth was little Raphael. Renee practiced on Sparky until she couldn’t undo the damage and had to get married to save face, both hers and Sparky’s. She had excellent posture which helped her generous heart.

Duan was the peacekeeper, to his mamma he was a pussy, but to all the others a real gentleman. When his mama was out on walks with the dogs, of which there were many, she would find Duan lying in the middle of the Jardin and his own dogs would pee pee on him. He literally would let all the girls walk on him. Duan was strappingly strong handsome but ended up with weak knees and a bad back. No one really understood his motivations but he was a visionary and revolutionary. He loved a good poodle. Viva la Don!

Catherine and her daddy would do the cooking. They both had flair. Herself specialized in the appetizers and the wine selection. They had guacamole at every meal. Every meal was an adventure. Herself ate raw corn and said as long as it was raw there were no calories. She did much of the shopping and would buy things for herself and feel guilty and give them away before she got home and that was one reason she had to be creative in the kitchen. Duan and Herself were always arranging benefits for people in need in their town and were very successful. They were the social conscience of the family.

Peggatha was a wee bit of a thing and from day one the family knew she was gay. It was written on her forehead but all she saw, when looking in the mirror, was YAG. She loved to smoke and carry a briefcase. She had business cards printed but instead of saying consultant it said consulate. Rather than reprint her cards she became a consul general. She loved to travel even as child and sit in the back seat and have Sparky drive her around.

Raphael was truly the archangel of the family being the youngest and the only in the family not to have a mustache. No one ever saw Sparky not smiling or driving, unless he was in jail. He had many friends and was fearless. After many arrests, he was way too trusting of others, he threw away his black leather, came home, and resumed driving.

There wasn’t a bad apple in the bunch until they took in a foster child. She was there for a brief time and they put her out. She was killed from a fall off her high horse. They can only remember that her named rhymed with vagina.

New information about the maternal and paternal grandparents of the Helado family. Again we don’t know if they are alive or dead but we will write it in the present tense.

Francisco (Paco) Ignacio Santiago Pudiente and his sister/wife Placenta (Placenta) Juanito Sabio Pudiente are artist savants.

Paco divides his time between painting poignantly emotive works of art, working with his Chihuahuas on their synchronized swimming routines, and trying to learn his native language, Spanish. All their dogs are bilingual and have papers; pet-degrees from the Universidad de Guadalajara. They are the real McCoyoacán and none are for sale. Placenta makes nativity scenes from chewed Chiclets she finds while walking the dogs. Both keep low profiles. There have been no sightings of them and they are represented solely by their international agent, and spiritual adviser, Mr. Whiskers.

Paco and Placenta are like the old married couple they are. They communicate in short hand and sex isn’t what it used to be. They have two children, Juan and Adele. Francisco likes eBay and Placenta likes anything that plugs in. Placenta is always hot and doesn’t like her clothes to touch her body. She wears no underwear because she gets especially hot “down there.” She suffers hormonal problems and wears several hormone patches secured with duct tape. Francisco doesn’t like overcooked pasta but loves pie, and loves saying “pie hole.”

The Pudiente’s worship Christopher Walken and Javier Bardem as the true saviors and liberators of everything human.   Their altar to them includes a life size portraits of them lit by a revolving disco ball. They burn incense and filter-less cigarettes. The aroma gives them both incredible headaches.

BERNARD PIVOT QUESTIONNAIRE

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD?

Paco: Pie

Placenta: Marinade

WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE WORD?

Paco: Marinade

Placenta: Pie

WHAT TURNS YOU ON?

Paco: Pie

Placenta: Paco used to

WHAT TURNS YOU OFF?

Paco: Drug lords throwing heads onto dance floors in Michoacan

Placenta: When a Chihuahua licks his butt then kisses me on the lips before I realize what’s happening

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CURSE WORD?

Paco: Shut your yammering pie hole

Placenta: Oops

WHAT SOUND OR NOISE DO YOU LOVE?

Paco: Pie

Placenta: Air conditioner compressor kicking on

WHAT SOUND OR NOISE DO YOU HATE?

Paco: “Personal best”

Placenta: “Went missing

WHAT PROFESSION OTHER THAN YOUR OWN WOULD YOU LIKE TO ATTEMPT?

Paco: Renovate a villa in Tuscany

Placenta: Sales associate in the technology department of Gigante or the Mega

WHAT PROFESSION WOULD YOU NOT LIKE TO DO?

Paco: Nothing that entails repetitive motions

Placenta: Crack-head or tweeker

IF HEAVEN EXISTS, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR GOD SAY WHEN YOU ARRIVE AT THE PEARLY GATES?

Paco: Hola, Buenos dias Senor Pudiente have some pie

Placenta: You were way too hard on yourself

We recommend Rafael Tovar as a driver and guide in the San Miguel de Allende area.